it's taken me most of the day to completely let go of how angry i've been.
i'm not really sure why but i've been rather enraged lately...
and work is certainly not helping.
i was at yoga last night, listening to the instructor talk about how yoga isn't really about the body but about the mind. which is actually really interesting as a concept: to think that all this effort is really about clearing your head and having a sense of being. which is probably why i keep going, as the effects have been beneficial mentally as well as keeping my back from hurting from sitting at this stupid desk all day long sweating for the man.
stupid.
mostly things are just stupid lately. i'm trying really hard to get caught up on all this work so that i can start the year off fresh and ready to make changes, break bad habits and really accomplish something for myself but it's hard to stay motivated when so much of what i do is actually just bullshit.
i feel very pulled in a lot of directions and it's been hard to keep my head together. i've been living in my head a lot lately. i'm just trying to get it to a point where i'm not driving myself crazy.
i think i spend way too much of my time making other people happy. so one of the things i'm trying to do is be concious of this enough to give people the finger. it's hard though, to break habits like that. i need to make myself happy first. and i need to start being completely honest about my feelings. which is really, really hard for me because i don't like talking about my feelings and i don't like emotional confrontations.
i know that i have work to do. i just don't really care. i almost wouldn't entirely care if they fired me. unemployment might work in my favor at this point.
alright, apparently it's time to go try to get tiny bits of work done and let my ex fawn over me via IM. oy.
i'm gonna get it done, i'm gonna start next year like fucking gangbusters.
y'all better watch out....