i haven't felt much like writing - been livin' in my head a lot. which is apparently a common phenomenon for me. the aussie told me yesterday that i think too much. he's at least the fourth person i know to say so. i don't know if it would be accurate to count the people who have only told me that i'm post-modern (i have only a vague understanding of what that term entails when applied to a person), or "self-aware."
i'd like to talk less, be less surrounded by people, less forced contact. i feel quieter but i can't seem to incorporate that into my lifestyle. i live with three people, ride crowded rush-hour public transit and work in a position that requires me to be both friendly and available to even the most ridiculous requests. i keep saying i need a new-job, and a bike. haven't really done anything to accomplish that yet.
i have mini-ephiphanies a lot. i rode home on the bus wondering if i'm dumb. i know i'm a loud-mouth... whatever. the point is, is that i feel like i'm about to hit a hard line. either i'm actually going to change how i live my life so that i'm happier or i'm just not gonna. and it's not really easy to break a bunch of bad habits. i've become really undisicplined in the past few years.
watched the maestro playing chess at the cheese on saturday and wished i knew how to play. i wish i knew how to play poker too. and speak spanish fluently. maybe sign language. i wish that i came off as well-spoken, educated, intelligent... i know what the deal is. i just need to calm down, shut up more, act from my heart and not overthink every last damn detail and find some damn inner zen.
it's not like i haven't gotten anywhere, i've done stuff. people remind me of this. but i know i could be better. and it kills me that i'm not. if i don't really start pushing hard, i'm gonna hate myself forever.
other items: the weekend was so perfect it was scary. i did exactly what i wanted to and got exactly what i wanted. it was so essential to my piece of mind to have that, that even in the moment i couldn't believe it was happening and i was so grateful to be where i was... it's sustained me through the last two days. scenario is: went to cheese. party. fun. too much of everything. left at 5:15am with the maestro. stayed in bed until 1pm. ordered burritos. watched 24. read Get In the Van. crashed with a big ol' fuckin' smile on my face. good. times.
heard Don't Think Twice today on Duckie the iPod while walking back to work from whole foods. made me smile realizing that i've only ever heard sam random play that song. stuff like that makes me wish i could sing.
kinda need to write a poem by thursday. good fucking luck, right? we'll see. i've gotta give it a go.
i'd like to talk less, be less surrounded by people, less forced contact. i feel quieter but i can't seem to incorporate that into my lifestyle. i live with three people, ride crowded rush-hour public transit and work in a position that requires me to be both friendly and available to even the most ridiculous requests. i keep saying i need a new-job, and a bike. haven't really done anything to accomplish that yet.
i have mini-ephiphanies a lot. i rode home on the bus wondering if i'm dumb. i know i'm a loud-mouth... whatever. the point is, is that i feel like i'm about to hit a hard line. either i'm actually going to change how i live my life so that i'm happier or i'm just not gonna. and it's not really easy to break a bunch of bad habits. i've become really undisicplined in the past few years.
watched the maestro playing chess at the cheese on saturday and wished i knew how to play. i wish i knew how to play poker too. and speak spanish fluently. maybe sign language. i wish that i came off as well-spoken, educated, intelligent... i know what the deal is. i just need to calm down, shut up more, act from my heart and not overthink every last damn detail and find some damn inner zen.
it's not like i haven't gotten anywhere, i've done stuff. people remind me of this. but i know i could be better. and it kills me that i'm not. if i don't really start pushing hard, i'm gonna hate myself forever.
other items: the weekend was so perfect it was scary. i did exactly what i wanted to and got exactly what i wanted. it was so essential to my piece of mind to have that, that even in the moment i couldn't believe it was happening and i was so grateful to be where i was... it's sustained me through the last two days. scenario is: went to cheese. party. fun. too much of everything. left at 5:15am with the maestro. stayed in bed until 1pm. ordered burritos. watched 24. read Get In the Van. crashed with a big ol' fuckin' smile on my face. good. times.
heard Don't Think Twice today on Duckie the iPod while walking back to work from whole foods. made me smile realizing that i've only ever heard sam random play that song. stuff like that makes me wish i could sing.
kinda need to write a poem by thursday. good fucking luck, right? we'll see. i've gotta give it a go.
posted by DameRight at 7:48 PM
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