all i hear in my head is "i gotta get outta here" that's all i'm thinking.
i'm sick of everything i see, sick of the mess i've managed to put myself in.
i want to be somewhere where no one knows my name.
where no one wants anything from me.
i desparately need things to be different and i don't know how to change them.
i just know that they need to be different.
i search expedia for flights i can't afford, to places where i barely know anyone.
i feel like i've dug myself into this hole... and i can't see my way out anymore.
i have no idea what i'm doing.
overall, that's something i'm convinced of. i have no fucking idea what i'm doing with myself.
everything makes me feel like i'm being ripped apart.

last night. at the bar. talking to you and everyone else wandered away drunkenly.
and i wasn't that drunk but i sure wasn't sober.
and you leaned down, and put your elbows on the bar next to me, and you grabbed my
hand and squeezed it and rested your check against mine. and for like, a minute, it was all
i could feel. it was everything. it was the most simple, most intimate contact. and i sighed real deep.
and then B came bounding out of the bathroom, talking about the new door handles (you know that you've spent too much time at a bar when you notice the bathroom door handles changing), and we pulled away kinda slowly and you kept ahold of my hand for a minute and i think another minute and you would have had to kiss me again.
and when i had to get S and B outta there, you told me to put them in a cab and stay. but by then i was drunk and spun. so i just told you that i would see you tonight at the party.
you and i both know that i'm in a relationship with another man. who i love. and i think that we both know that i can't sustain that relationship. that i don't know how to not hurt him. that there is probably no other option.
i wonder what's real anymore.

the other day i was telling C that i was fantasizing about shaving my head, piercing my lip, moving to a small town, buying a truck and some dogs and starting an alternative strip joint.
anything to get away from all of this. it's too much. it's too layered.
and in the end, i'm still unhappy.
something is still wrong here.
i want to spend time all alone. sit in a room with nothing in it. simplify.
i'm so fucking miserable and all i ever do is make it worse.
i keep thinking it's just that i'm scared. and it is. but it's also that it's hard.
i still don't know anything. i don't even know what i want. (i mean, i want everything, i want
everything to be easy and i freeze when it's not).
i feel like crying and i don't know if it's hormones or drugs still in my system. and i know i'll do
more of them tonight. because it's fun and i can. and i know i'll kiss you. and i know if i wear a dress i'm in all kinds of trouble. we'll see.
maybe i'll just party balls to the wall and see how much trouble i can get myself into.
i never wanted to disappoint someone who loves me so much. i don't know if there's any other
option.
i could keep rambling. i could talk myself into circles forever but it never does any good.
i think maybe from now on, i just need to shut up.
i think that from now on, things should be quiet.
i love you.
i think i'm leaving you.