i love, love, love that very first sip of hot, hot coffee in the morning. ah... that is some good stuff.

everything is weird. everything feels weird.
before i felt like everything was changing, needed to change. then nothing changed around me, and i
realized that the change was more internal. i'm different. i feel different.
and all those things i said i would do, for the new year, for the odd numbered year, i haven't really been
disciplining myself on. i promised myself i would live my life more honestly, with some grace, grasp a better
sense of myself. i don't really feel like any of that happened though.
now i'm left feeling like i missed the boat somehow. like something was supposed to happen and i didn't
grasp the opportunity when it presented itself.
i'm unhappy.
there are so many layers to things. so many voices in my head, that i can't calm down long enough to get
ahold of any one thing. i feel so inbetween everything. i don't feel connected or a part of anything right now.
and i don't know what i'm doing. i'm tired of floating. i'm tired of everything just being consistently.... okay.
i've got a few tattoos that i think i need, and the one i was thinking of this morning would be a flash-style
heart with a banner that read

people at work are rushing and fussing over the iPhone.
i can't stop watching the video for umbrella by rhianna. it's pop perfection.
i'm looking forward to going to the waxers just so i can lay down for a few more minutes.
i'm starting to do those things i only do when i'm depressed/too introspective/ going through some
major shit. i'm not paying attention to what i eat. i drink too much. i smoke too much. i'm reckless, careless.
and all i want to do is sleep or watch ridiculous television because it takes me away from having to deal.
i don't know what the right thing to do is, because i have no ability to act in my own best interest.
i'm not used to putting my needs first.
i'm grasping at straws, trying to pretend that everything is normal. nothing is the same.
i had a good conversation w. chicago last night. gotta say, despite knowing how miserable and lonely the
kid is, i really respect his decision to move out there and be on his own. i think it was a good move for him, and
i often wish i had the strength to wipe the slate clean myself. i'm jealous, even as i know how hard it is.
everything is gonna get hard. i can feel it. it's gonna get rough out here. and it needs to.
but it makes my stomach turn and my shoulders sag. i hope i'm up for it.
i don't know what else i was going to say, and i'm tired of talking about myself. and the ridiculous
situations that i put myself in. prom is tomorrow night, and i'm probably ditching a premiere of the transformers
movie so i can practice poems, and do drugs. i feel a little guilty. i always feel guilty when i'm not doing the
things that other people want me to. i need to get over that, so i'm gonna force myself to stay home instead
and read poems over and over again so that when i read them, you feel 'em. i can't keep feeling guilty for
being unable to be everything to everyone else. it's gotta be me time. it's hard to do. i've spent my entire life doing things to make other people happy. it hurts me to stop.
everything is going to hurt for a while. y'all need to remind me to take a breath, keep my head up and act
gracefully. like i've got a bit of internal serenity.
need to get up from this desk before i get more sleepy.
i'm a fool everytime i think i know anything.