dear god i am so fucking bored.
i have all this work to do... and it all just makes me feel like my brain is leaking out of my ears. the word(s) soul-sucking come to mind a lot when i think about my day to day life. i often wonder why i can't seem to change it...
every 90 seconds or so, i give a heavy sigh and try to commit to doing something. it's not really going all that well.
i recently decided to boycott going out or people or the outside world or something. i just got really frustrated with people always needing something from me. no matter where i went, i couldn't just be left alone. my job is based in customer service and consumer advocacy. which means a lot of my job involves listening to people complain, make outrageous demands and then i get to solve their problems for them. everytime my phone rings it's because somebody wants something. i don't think i have anything to give anyone anymore. i don't want to spend money i don't have drinking at a bar right now. i'm a morose son-of-a-bitch and won't be any fun anyhow. i don't want to go to a party. i don't want to compromise any of my time. a former roommate once told me that i was co-dependent because i put the needs of others before my own. suddenly, i have this crushing weight of other people's needs and it's starting to make me a wreck. i can't handle it man. i just can't. i don't care. i just want to go home and write, and read, and smoke, and listen to music and not have to deal with anyone.
it's harder than it sounds to convince people to just leave you the fuck alone. especially when you have a boyfriend who is kinda justifiably insecure. (however, can we save that for later? 'cause i just can't get into that whole thing right now). i told him on friday that i wanted to take a week off. have some time to myself. etc. blahblahblah. whatever.
by monday he was asking if he could come over on wednesday for sex. no. no you can't. why? because as i previously mentioned, i just want to be alone. it was kinda hard to say 'no' too. i felt like a jerk.
last weekend was a three day weekend. saturday and sunday i barely left the house. i went to the corner store for bagels. that's pretty much as far as i got. it was fucking wonderful. i cleaned. i smoked. i hung out. i didn't have to do anything. monday was fine, went to east bay to see the boyfriend. and yesterday was one more day in a stack of stupid days at my stupid job. but i went to the grocery store and i wrote my grandmother a letter and made my sister and brotherinlaw a cd... that was all pretty nice. simple. and stuff that i actually wanted to do.
i'm just rambling to kill time at work right now. trying really hard to stop wasting time on the internet (this doesn't count). i'm hoping that i can keep up this alone thing 'cause i think it's really doing me good. and i think i might be depressed but i'm not sure. i'm not really hungry and food sounds terrible, which is really the only way i can tell anymore. and i don't care.
i had dreams about the maestro like three days in a row. he's freakin' haunting me. i keep expecting to run into him in random places, even though i know better. last thursday, at the bar, i sat next to him and put my head on his shoulder 'cause i was exhausted. when i went to sit up, he said "oh, but you were so close" and i'm a fool. and i should know better. but i get all crinkly thinking things like that.
anyhow. i guess i'll go back to working. and ignoring the world.
i'm really liking just being by myself, for maybe the first time ever.
oh, one last thing? if i do get enough time to my damn self, i'll be posting the Transcriptions from the Porch soon. and that's something worth looking forward to, yeah?
i have all this work to do... and it all just makes me feel like my brain is leaking out of my ears. the word(s) soul-sucking come to mind a lot when i think about my day to day life. i often wonder why i can't seem to change it...
every 90 seconds or so, i give a heavy sigh and try to commit to doing something. it's not really going all that well.
i recently decided to boycott going out or people or the outside world or something. i just got really frustrated with people always needing something from me. no matter where i went, i couldn't just be left alone. my job is based in customer service and consumer advocacy. which means a lot of my job involves listening to people complain, make outrageous demands and then i get to solve their problems for them. everytime my phone rings it's because somebody wants something. i don't think i have anything to give anyone anymore. i don't want to spend money i don't have drinking at a bar right now. i'm a morose son-of-a-bitch and won't be any fun anyhow. i don't want to go to a party. i don't want to compromise any of my time. a former roommate once told me that i was co-dependent because i put the needs of others before my own. suddenly, i have this crushing weight of other people's needs and it's starting to make me a wreck. i can't handle it man. i just can't. i don't care. i just want to go home and write, and read, and smoke, and listen to music and not have to deal with anyone.
it's harder than it sounds to convince people to just leave you the fuck alone. especially when you have a boyfriend who is kinda justifiably insecure. (however, can we save that for later? 'cause i just can't get into that whole thing right now). i told him on friday that i wanted to take a week off. have some time to myself. etc. blahblahblah. whatever.
by monday he was asking if he could come over on wednesday for sex. no. no you can't. why? because as i previously mentioned, i just want to be alone. it was kinda hard to say 'no' too. i felt like a jerk.
last weekend was a three day weekend. saturday and sunday i barely left the house. i went to the corner store for bagels. that's pretty much as far as i got. it was fucking wonderful. i cleaned. i smoked. i hung out. i didn't have to do anything. monday was fine, went to east bay to see the boyfriend. and yesterday was one more day in a stack of stupid days at my stupid job. but i went to the grocery store and i wrote my grandmother a letter and made my sister and brotherinlaw a cd... that was all pretty nice. simple. and stuff that i actually wanted to do.
i'm just rambling to kill time at work right now. trying really hard to stop wasting time on the internet (this doesn't count). i'm hoping that i can keep up this alone thing 'cause i think it's really doing me good. and i think i might be depressed but i'm not sure. i'm not really hungry and food sounds terrible, which is really the only way i can tell anymore. and i don't care.
i had dreams about the maestro like three days in a row. he's freakin' haunting me. i keep expecting to run into him in random places, even though i know better. last thursday, at the bar, i sat next to him and put my head on his shoulder 'cause i was exhausted. when i went to sit up, he said "oh, but you were so close" and i'm a fool. and i should know better. but i get all crinkly thinking things like that.
anyhow. i guess i'll go back to working. and ignoring the world.
i'm really liking just being by myself, for maybe the first time ever.
oh, one last thing? if i do get enough time to my damn self, i'll be posting the Transcriptions from the Porch soon. and that's something worth looking forward to, yeah?
posted by DameRight at 2:00 PM
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