i feel like a loser tonight. bonnie and ek were at a party in bernal earlier and then they went straight to a tamale party in the mission. i'm sure it's fun but i didn't feel much like conversation earlier (and i'm grubby) so i opted out. i said i was going to work on the atom bomb poem. i've only gotten as far as opening the word document.
anyhow, i figured i'd at least see miguel or make it to mars (a friend has a show, the venue is called mars) but it's rainy and freezing and crappy outside and i don't feel like going all the way to soma and mig's out with friends. so xandra and i have been staying inside my house, just hanging out. we're both restless.
neither of us feel like doing anything.
it kinda sucks.
and really the last thing that sounds good is to fight across town, through rain and drizzle to get to a crowded bar or to try and make conversation at a party when i just feel like being quiet. so i guess i spend another saturday night wandering around the house, berating myself for not writing more and smoking too many cigarettes. which is actually not that big of a deal when you consider that most people who are out on saturdays are not out during the week. and i am. plus, i'm trying to conserve funds. plus, i'm a lazy bastard.
but i still feel lame for not making the attempt to be social. i'm all discouraged about writing so it's been really hard to sit down for hours at a time and when you're done, you look and see you've written the same pedantic bullshit you always do. blech. what fucking nonsense. plus, who am i to complain that i've got a quiet, cozy saturday night?