i've got bel biv devoe (sp?) stuck in my head, and all i have to say about that is really? i really have "that girl is poisioooon" stuck in my head? i haven't even heard that song in years, and i never liked it. however, bbd is actually a small respresentation of my larger problem - being that my iPod died a few weeks ago. it's caused a fairly large change in my days - i'm less productive at work 'cause i can't count on sitting down, slurping waaay too much coffee and assaulting my ears with punk while i work a meaningful chunk of my life away on spreadsheets and stupid crap. public transportation is less fun without various henry rollins spoken word albums in my ears, and driving to my parents house on thursday for xmas is gonna suck for four hours without music that i like. so i'm buying a new one, but because i'm a wage slave, i'm gonna have to put it on a credit card, which i am loath to do.
i decided when bush got re-elected that i'd better get debt free and fast. and i've been struggling since to pay it off, and then finding an instance where i use it (fillings, hair cuts, and now iPod) but my debt hovers around the same amount that it has been stuck at for a few months now. i got one card paid entirely off, which was actually a little anti-climatic, and the last two are just sitting there laughing at me. they're laughing! dammit!
anyhow, i'm mired in a financial situation of being someone who scrapes by (pretty well, but i'm still packing lunches and refusing to turn on the heater at home) but accumulates some debt. which makes me just like everyone else in this country.
now, even when i go and purchase the damn thing, it's not going to be a happy occassion of getting something you've earned, it's going to feel tight and worrisome like scraping to get something you need. do i need the 'pod? kinda. i mean, i use the hell outta 'em, i love it to freakin' death and it makes me a more productive pleasant punk-rock filled chick. am i going to die if i don't have one? probably not. is my holiday season going to be better off? well, i guess the drive will go by shorter but again, not really that big of a deal. will i still buy one? probably. i mean, i get songs stuck in my head all day long (most of them ones that i do actually like) and when i've got my 'pod, i can just throw on some headphones and feel the love. it's a luxury that apparently, i'm willing to incur a little more debt for.
but i have promised myself, that should i do this, i will set up a master financial plan for 07 that will wipe my debt away. and i will stick to it.
is it bad to think about whether or not my grandmother has money set aside for me after she dies? and wanting that hypothetical money bad enough to kinda.... anticipate getting it soon?

it's taken me most of the day to completely let go of how angry i've been.
i'm not really sure why but i've been rather enraged lately...
and work is certainly not helping.
i was at yoga last night, listening to the instructor talk about how yoga isn't really about the body but about the mind. which is actually really interesting as a concept: to think that all this effort is really about clearing your head and having a sense of being. which is probably why i keep going, as the effects have been beneficial mentally as well as keeping my back from hurting from sitting at this stupid desk all day long sweating for the man.
stupid.
mostly things are just stupid lately. i'm trying really hard to get caught up on all this work so that i can start the year off fresh and ready to make changes, break bad habits and really accomplish something for myself but it's hard to stay motivated when so much of what i do is actually just bullshit.
i feel very pulled in a lot of directions and it's been hard to keep my head together. i've been living in my head a lot lately. i'm just trying to get it to a point where i'm not driving myself crazy.
i think i spend way too much of my time making other people happy. so one of the things i'm trying to do is be concious of this enough to give people the finger. it's hard though, to break habits like that. i need to make myself happy first. and i need to start being completely honest about my feelings. which is really, really hard for me because i don't like talking about my feelings and i don't like emotional confrontations.
i know that i have work to do. i just don't really care. i almost wouldn't entirely care if they fired me. unemployment might work in my favor at this point.
alright, apparently it's time to go try to get tiny bits of work done and let my ex fawn over me via IM. oy.
i'm gonna get it done, i'm gonna start next year like fucking gangbusters.
y'all better watch out....