Goes something like this:

While they're hugging, he says it's good to see you.
And she thinks 'damn right' but only says it's good to be back.
And later she will look around her at nearly deserted streets and the people who have spilled out of the bar and give a resigned chuckle that ends in a sigh and then bury her face into his chest and he will ruffle up the back of her hair in that way that he knows always makes her grin.

So. Lately, mostly, I'm just angry. Everything makes me angry. Or sad. My mom said I was a drama queen on the plane. This is just dumb. She also kept saying she was old. Or fat. Or underdressed. Or needed botox.
More immediately, and more infuriatingly, C slept in my bed while i was in new york. This is inappropriate. It creeps me the fuck out. And I've told him not to do this before. And he did it anyway. The amount that this upsets and angers me really can't be understated. I'm fucking furious. I'll be doing something about it soon too. I'm over people taking advantage of me and I'm fucking over being nice at all. C also said that we aren't friends. We just share a wall.
Fuck that kid.

All that matters right now, is that I have a perfect song to listen to (Be Safe by the Cribs. Can't stop listening to it. Lee Ronaldo from Sonic Youth does the spoken word in the background and I'm gonna try to memorize it for 16th & Mission), and I get to see the maestro tonight. And stupid silly shit doesn't really touch me at all when I get to see that man. So... there's that.

This mornings "I shouldn't be high 'cause it's 9am but fuck you" Soundtrack:

Ben Lee - Burn to Shine
Alkaline Trio - Warbrain
Tori Amos - Siren
Alice in Chains - Angry Chair
The Psychedelic Furs - Heaven
Propaghandi - This Might Be Satire
Modest Mouse - Shit Luck
Nirvana - Love Buzz


Be Safe. Be Safe. Be Safe.

sigh. i need to write a big entry about my new york trip.
and i will.
however, i am overwhelmed by work right now and in a bummer of a mood.
my flight was delayed for 2 1/2 hours. so i sat on a plane and went nowhere. we were supposed
to leave at 425. didn't take off until 7pm. finished a book in that time.
so tired and frustrated when i landed i let my parents pay for a cab even though my mom had called me a drama queen earlier in the day (seriously? me? uh... have we met?)
when i got home e was the only one there. i was a little hurt at the time that she couldn't pick me up from the airport but i'd forgotten how much schoolwork she had. it's understandable.
i was so tired i wanted to cry when i got into the cab. thank god the cab driver was listening to journey. kept me from crying.
and b was gone when i got home, despite saying that she was so excited to see me and hear about my trip and update me on all the things that had gone on while i was gone. she went to go hang out with coworkers and didn't come back until like midnight - then they proceeded to play guitar in the living room. she walked by my room and said hey lady. no hug. no conversation. no 'i missed you' nothing except for a hey. c came home and didn't even say that.
i was so fucking depressed about that. here are these people who have in the past been considered family. and nothing.

new rule: two drink max!! with coworkers.
the last two fridays in a row, i have spent getting trashed with coworkers. no dinner, just a steady intake of beer. last night was the last night i want to do that. no more. they all talk about technology and how it relates to work, when i share i always regret it later. the conversations are fine at the time but the next day i always feel like i said things i shouldn't have and that it was just another night of everyone babbling drunkenly to each other. what's the point of that?
it's not really a big deal, but suffice it to say that last night i was oddly hit on by two coworkers (once by a gay man), had to discuss whether or not i considered myself a bisexual (uh, i guess?) because i was checking out the super hip, totally hot black girl who walked by (thin and lithe, short curly hair, slip dress with lace and cowboy boots. she was rockin' it and good for her) and talk to security at an art gallery after one coworker attempted to steal a $600 painting inspired by the character emily strange. then a homeless kid bummed a smoke off me just to have an excuse to hit on me, and i had to get off the bus three stops early and convince a guy who was bouncing the side door of the boom boom room to let me sneak in to use the bathroom (and thank you again, dude who let me use the bathroom).
other than that, i'm in a funky insecure place. i'm angry and anxious a lot. i'm hoping that my vacation next week does me some good. i wish the maestro had called me back yesterday, i would have had a much better time with him. and i wish that i wasn't being such a girl about the fact that he didn't call me back. it gets all twisted in my head... i get a little ridiculous about it thinking that maybe he doesn't want to see me, because i'm dumb or it's all about playing a game about who has the upper hand or some stupid shit. like if you call first, then you're owned or whatever. i'm not really into games. i'm a straightforward girl. but it's been a damn long time since i got this frazzled. it's kinda lame and i'm just trying to keep myself from being a freak. good luck, right?
i'm gonna spend the whole day sitting here, writing. 'cause i can't think of anything else to do with myself.

i haven't felt much like writing - been livin' in my head a lot. which is apparently a common phenomenon for me. the aussie told me yesterday that i think too much. he's at least the fourth person i know to say so. i don't know if it would be accurate to count the people who have only told me that i'm post-modern (i have only a vague understanding of what that term entails when applied to a person), or "self-aware."
i'd like to talk less, be less surrounded by people, less forced contact. i feel quieter but i can't seem to incorporate that into my lifestyle. i live with three people, ride crowded rush-hour public transit and work in a position that requires me to be both friendly and available to even the most ridiculous requests. i keep saying i need a new-job, and a bike. haven't really done anything to accomplish that yet.
i have mini-ephiphanies a lot. i rode home on the bus wondering if i'm dumb. i know i'm a loud-mouth... whatever. the point is, is that i feel like i'm about to hit a hard line. either i'm actually going to change how i live my life so that i'm happier or i'm just not gonna. and it's not really easy to break a bunch of bad habits. i've become really undisicplined in the past few years.
watched the maestro playing chess at the cheese on saturday and wished i knew how to play. i wish i knew how to play poker too. and speak spanish fluently. maybe sign language. i wish that i came off as well-spoken, educated, intelligent... i know what the deal is. i just need to calm down, shut up more, act from my heart and not overthink every last damn detail and find some damn inner zen.
it's not like i haven't gotten anywhere, i've done stuff. people remind me of this. but i know i could be better. and it kills me that i'm not. if i don't really start pushing hard, i'm gonna hate myself forever.

other items: the weekend was so perfect it was scary. i did exactly what i wanted to and got exactly what i wanted. it was so essential to my piece of mind to have that, that even in the moment i couldn't believe it was happening and i was so grateful to be where i was... it's sustained me through the last two days. scenario is: went to cheese. party. fun. too much of everything. left at 5:15am with the maestro. stayed in bed until 1pm. ordered burritos. watched 24. read Get In the Van. crashed with a big ol' fuckin' smile on my face. good. times.
heard Don't Think Twice today on Duckie the iPod while walking back to work from whole foods. made me smile realizing that i've only ever heard sam random play that song. stuff like that makes me wish i could sing.
kinda need to write a poem by thursday. good fucking luck, right? we'll see. i've gotta give it a go.