dear god i am so fucking bored.
i have all this work to do... and it all just makes me feel like my brain is leaking out of my ears. the word(s) soul-sucking come to mind a lot when i think about my day to day life. i often wonder why i can't seem to change it...
every 90 seconds or so, i give a heavy sigh and try to commit to doing something. it's not really going all that well.
i recently decided to boycott going out or people or the outside world or something. i just got really frustrated with people always needing something from me. no matter where i went, i couldn't just be left alone. my job is based in customer service and consumer advocacy. which means a lot of my job involves listening to people complain, make outrageous demands and then i get to solve their problems for them. everytime my phone rings it's because somebody wants something. i don't think i have anything to give anyone anymore. i don't want to spend money i don't have drinking at a bar right now. i'm a morose son-of-a-bitch and won't be any fun anyhow. i don't want to go to a party. i don't want to compromise any of my time. a former roommate once told me that i was co-dependent because i put the needs of others before my own. suddenly, i have this crushing weight of other people's needs and it's starting to make me a wreck. i can't handle it man. i just can't. i don't care. i just want to go home and write, and read, and smoke, and listen to music and not have to deal with anyone.
it's harder than it sounds to convince people to just leave you the fuck alone. especially when you have a boyfriend who is kinda justifiably insecure. (however, can we save that for later? 'cause i just can't get into that whole thing right now). i told him on friday that i wanted to take a week off. have some time to myself. etc. blahblahblah. whatever.
by monday he was asking if he could come over on wednesday for sex. no. no you can't. why? because as i previously mentioned, i just want to be alone. it was kinda hard to say 'no' too. i felt like a jerk.
last weekend was a three day weekend. saturday and sunday i barely left the house. i went to the corner store for bagels. that's pretty much as far as i got. it was fucking wonderful. i cleaned. i smoked. i hung out. i didn't have to do anything. monday was fine, went to east bay to see the boyfriend. and yesterday was one more day in a stack of stupid days at my stupid job. but i went to the grocery store and i wrote my grandmother a letter and made my sister and brotherinlaw a cd... that was all pretty nice. simple. and stuff that i actually wanted to do.
i'm just rambling to kill time at work right now. trying really hard to stop wasting time on the internet (this doesn't count). i'm hoping that i can keep up this alone thing 'cause i think it's really doing me good. and i think i might be depressed but i'm not sure. i'm not really hungry and food sounds terrible, which is really the only way i can tell anymore. and i don't care.
i had dreams about the maestro like three days in a row. he's freakin' haunting me. i keep expecting to run into him in random places, even though i know better. last thursday, at the bar, i sat next to him and put my head on his shoulder 'cause i was exhausted. when i went to sit up, he said "oh, but you were so close" and i'm a fool. and i should know better. but i get all crinkly thinking things like that.
anyhow. i guess i'll go back to working. and ignoring the world.
i'm really liking just being by myself, for maybe the first time ever.
oh, one last thing? if i do get enough time to my damn self, i'll be posting the Transcriptions from the Porch soon. and that's something worth looking forward to, yeah?

all i hear in my head is "i gotta get outta here" that's all i'm thinking.
i'm sick of everything i see, sick of the mess i've managed to put myself in.
i want to be somewhere where no one knows my name.
where no one wants anything from me.
i desparately need things to be different and i don't know how to change them.
i just know that they need to be different.
i search expedia for flights i can't afford, to places where i barely know anyone.
i feel like i've dug myself into this hole... and i can't see my way out anymore.
i have no idea what i'm doing.
overall, that's something i'm convinced of. i have no fucking idea what i'm doing with myself.
everything makes me feel like i'm being ripped apart.

last night. at the bar. talking to you and everyone else wandered away drunkenly.
and i wasn't that drunk but i sure wasn't sober.
and you leaned down, and put your elbows on the bar next to me, and you grabbed my
hand and squeezed it and rested your check against mine. and for like, a minute, it was all
i could feel. it was everything. it was the most simple, most intimate contact. and i sighed real deep.
and then B came bounding out of the bathroom, talking about the new door handles (you know that you've spent too much time at a bar when you notice the bathroom door handles changing), and we pulled away kinda slowly and you kept ahold of my hand for a minute and i think another minute and you would have had to kiss me again.
and when i had to get S and B outta there, you told me to put them in a cab and stay. but by then i was drunk and spun. so i just told you that i would see you tonight at the party.
you and i both know that i'm in a relationship with another man. who i love. and i think that we both know that i can't sustain that relationship. that i don't know how to not hurt him. that there is probably no other option.
i wonder what's real anymore.

the other day i was telling C that i was fantasizing about shaving my head, piercing my lip, moving to a small town, buying a truck and some dogs and starting an alternative strip joint.
anything to get away from all of this. it's too much. it's too layered.
and in the end, i'm still unhappy.
something is still wrong here.
i want to spend time all alone. sit in a room with nothing in it. simplify.
i'm so fucking miserable and all i ever do is make it worse.
i keep thinking it's just that i'm scared. and it is. but it's also that it's hard.
i still don't know anything. i don't even know what i want. (i mean, i want everything, i want
everything to be easy and i freeze when it's not).
i feel like crying and i don't know if it's hormones or drugs still in my system. and i know i'll do
more of them tonight. because it's fun and i can. and i know i'll kiss you. and i know if i wear a dress i'm in all kinds of trouble. we'll see.
maybe i'll just party balls to the wall and see how much trouble i can get myself into.
i never wanted to disappoint someone who loves me so much. i don't know if there's any other
option.
i could keep rambling. i could talk myself into circles forever but it never does any good.
i think maybe from now on, i just need to shut up.
i think that from now on, things should be quiet.
i love you.
i think i'm leaving you.

i walked to work this morning, just hung over enough to justify the early morning smokeysmokey, and when i thought back to being drunk last night, bitching and moaning to a cabbie, trashed on my front stoop smoking in the am... it just made me sick of everything.
i turned up the sound on my headphones and pretended that i didn't know anyone in this city,
that i was walking to some job that doesn't bore me or make me feel dull and suck the life out of me but was menial in its own right, comforting in the simply repetition of tasks and new enough to not be a hassle. i pretended i was in portland and that i hadn't spoken in days because i didn't have any friends yet. it was nice. i started get really jealous of S- running off to chicago and starting fresh all for himself. the thought of that always seems scary and overwhelming, like there are just so many things to take care of before i could consider that. while i've never been a big fan of change, or adapted to it well, it seems like something is brewing on the horizon and whether i wanna deal with it or not, it's there.
C.X- has an art opening tonight which means his roommate will be pouring some mighty strong
martini's but i don't feel like drinking. or smoking. or talking. i'm really feelin' the need to chill by myself. take a mo'. slow my roll. i just want to be by myself. i want to come home to a sparse room with almost nothing in it - a bed. a desk. a pile of books. a lamp. a pile of clothes.
everything is too routine. i can't seem to jump the tracks that my train is ridin' on.
i fantazised about selling all my shit and moving to cleveland so i could bartend with M- and sit in an empty room and write.
all i wanted to say last night was 'i sure did miss kissing you' and i couldn't. i was drunk and she was there and it just didn't work. i always wish i could say things to you, and i never quite make it that far.
i need a change. can anyone spare some change?
i'm getting cranky and aggrevated at the constructs of my life.
i wish i could fall in love with someone who would listen to records with me.
i wish i could write again.
i wish it were easy.

Have you ever wanted to kiss someone so badly, that you can't stop staring at their mouth when they talk?
'cause I was having a bit o' trouble with that last night...